livin

you know, it's interesting. i remember when annie and i were about to get married, how we seemed to have everything planned out. how we knew exactly what rolls we would play, how we would live etc. granted, some of how we thought we would live came to pass. i'm cooking, for example. it's funny though. there's a big difference between buying cookbooks and getting big ideas; and actually learning and incorporating different skills into a lifestyle. i seem to question myself all the time concerning my education and career future. i think i'm known for being an easygoing person who doesn't worry much, but i must say i'm not always that way. i have a great desire to go into the medical sciences, in either a practicing, teaching, or researching emphasis (or more likely a combination). when i think of the road needed to be travelled and all the roadblocks that seem in my way, it's quite daunting. the uncertainty of it all. the most difficult is knowing that many of these roadblocks are there not externally, but rather were put there by me. my time at irvine valley college for example, and this move. we, as people, are so desiring of security, and i am no exception. we want assurance. but then, i go to the top of a mountain, look up and realize God is in heaven, loving me fiercly, with it all planned out with my best interest in heart, not worried about a thing, and my fear vanishes in His light. and i realize all i really every wanted to do is love Him in the first place.