Monday, January 19, 2009

gotta live for something

something i've learned lately; lately being the last 5 years of torture beyond my wildest nightmares; but i've found some things. music, friendship and the love that goes with it, and soon quite possibly a motorcycle. i feel like a really fucked up with not learning to play an instrument earlier in life. i'm 26 and just learning the guitar, and absolutely loving it. don't be surprised if you come see me play sometime; but alas, starting so late in life means it will be sometime before i can play competently, but i really feel that it jives with my perfectly, whether or not i have the greatest natural ability, it just feels very right. i've avoided such pursuits in the past, out of the fear of failure, and the fear that if i do do it well, i will have proved that i should have done it earlier. yes, this is fucked up; yes, it is the worst way to live. but i overcome as i can, as my damaged brain allows me. but, it seems to me that perhaps i could not have played before, that my soul was not fully formed; the tragedy of my life (and i do say quite honestly that if i died today it would have been better not to have lived at all, and that is a truth, though a sad one; but i go on for the future and its possibilities), the tragedy and the loss has perhaps finally awakened my depth, and it has destroyed my fear in ways i wouldn't have imagined. i am full of poetry, and my poetry is that of wonder and horror, but mostly of love. it's funny, as a kid i followed other people's trends, trying to fit in, and i never succeded. this made my childhood fucking lousy. if i had either fit in, or better yet, realized when i was young that fitting in wasn't worth a fucking turd, i would have had a much better time of it. but instead, i was outcast, and the more i tried to be accepted, the more people exploited my neediness (read: Californian assholes are children too). it took far too long to get over that, and i still have to admit from time to time i'm worried by that same petty popularity bullshit that ruins children's souls in America. but it's over, i had the pleasure of some great friends who weren't complete assholes, who has souls and minds of their own, who weren't full of shit, who gave a shit. we were christians, and we were true believers. most of us has lost that faith, but i've found something very alarming: i've found that it didn't change who i am, not in the least. i felt that my faith defined me, and it was the faith that made me good, humble etc. i wasn't very humble then, and i'm not so now, and i gotta say, being arrogant is a lot easier and more fun, and it's pretty necessary to survival, or we'd never dream are wild dreams and reach high. but really, what i found is that my soul was the same, and this in fact was the linchpin in my loss of faith, that not believing in jesus didn't change my character whatsoever; in effect it proved the non-existance of what i had believed. anyway, i'm getting off track. this disease has ruined me. you cannot live like this and not be devestated. but i'm still alive. one thing is true: i have no more fear. not of anything. torture has cleaned it from me. i'd gladly take the fear back for the pain to have never happneed, but of course.........well you know. anyway, i'm rather free now, though i still have great concerns about my future. but i'm willing to try anything, and i know now that i'm unwilling to live like so many others, tied to their families and jobs, and much more so, tied to the idea of what they should be doing with their lives. they believe they should give up their passions. what a horrible thing, and the family suffers for it. one's children should never be one's life, but a wonderful part of life........i'm losing ground and really have little to say, so i'll end, all i want to say is: this is our life, this is it; we don't know what happens after, it is irrelevant to how we live now. we cannot know it is fairly certain. but now, now is all we have, and i beseech myself and you and us to not ever let ourselves be constrained by the laws and rules of a society that is corrupt and lost, we must be free, especially from the ideals of the mob that surrounds us; free.


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