Friday, December 12, 2008

back to reality, whoops, there goes gravity

i doubt anyone will read this anytime soon, i haven't posted in forever, but i do want to maintain a blog, so here i am, back at it, with my distrust of capital letters firmly implanted. so, there's little to tell. i am still sick, though, i hope, it seems i'm making progress. life is hard. searing, burning, aching pain, all over, all the time, with no respite, is hard. dealing with mistrust from those that don't understand my illness is hard. but i feel i've turned a bit of a corner in not really desiring to feel sorry for myself anymore. it's not really good for much, even if things are awful. here's one thing i've realized: my disease is the direct cause of much of my psychological problems; fear, anxiety, depression. my brain is damaged, or at least hindered in its operation. i know this because at times when i am better physcial, i am also often better mentally and psychologically. the fear which i am always trying to find an answer to "why do i feel this way" actuality the answer is: because my brain is damaged.

something to think on: i believe that we very often blame people for psychological problems that in actuality are physical abnormalities, chemical or what-have you; remember, the very makeup of our psyche, our emotions, our personality, is our brain. unless of course you believe in some sort of incorporeal soul, which is hard for me to fathom these days. though more and more i like the idea of "the force" : ) .........something that binds us together, something greater than just matter and atoms, but perhaps i dream