rain of terror

a little rainfall tonight grabbed me out of my opiate-delusion and i wrote this. folks, times are hard












it's raining
god is giving us little kisses
angry little hate filled drops of eternal death

they drop like swords
like hail of marbles, filled with delicious floods,
storms, hurricanes, tsunami, more floods, mud slides, did i say death? yes, well, more death

the rain is more beautiful than anything
like sunsets with a purpose
if only that purpose was benign
if only god did not give us hate with love
if only he actually existed, and if he did, deadly rain would not, could not.

i smell the rain
it smells like green fields in heaven
it can see the ticks lapping it up
it nourishing them, and the deadly bacteria that swims inside them

i see the rain running down a girl's head as she cold sweats every night and day for her life, and people accuse, but do not ask, do not care, do not help
i see the rain running down her cheek as tears are never absent

i used to think: god gives us blessings. it is never cold and wet; if it is cold, it snows; if it is warm, it rains. i used to think he left these little blessing all over the place, little reminders of his love; but the other way is also true, pain with love, hate with beauty; almost like nature

suburban religion
down comforter religion
fireplace and hot cocoa religion
or starvation in Africa religion, while those who represent god feed you and tell you to believe; that heaven is not a place on earth, god is not you, you must take time out from being murdered and starving in order to put your head to the dirt and thank a fellow that was murdered two thousand years ago for no good reason

but ice floats
the seas do not boil
sunrise and sunset are red
we have snow and rain, clouds and ozone
we have wonder in abundance beyond reckoning
we do not need god

the only thing more natural than hating god, is loving tits

the rain is not benevolent, nor mal
god is non
nor is he here
nor is he he
nor is

here are we
we are
we have our lives and abilities, our loves
we are god and the rain touches us with wetness, and that is all

but in it we see the crops
we feel the cool wind
we breathe the damp air
we love it
our bodies love it as the earth loves it, and we are the earth, we are, and that is no shame

our world was never eden, but it could be
we are able, we have come so far, only our religion restrains us, only our fear contains us

in windy circles the rain falls
plays with the dirt and falls again
we ask questions of it
but we get only more
and we do not see the beauty in our rain-filled eyes

a close-reading of clint eastwood's film "grand turino"

i wrote this on imdb and i felt it was worthy enough to be posted here. i'd be glad to know what you think, not just of my points, but of my writing abilities.......excluding my father, i know what you and your psychic think (and by god, out of heaven, you might be right). i feel i have some talent for it, and i'd like to know if you agree, i might just make a career out of my finger-taps


i liked the film, i did. but there are problems. Clint's style of directing is comfortingly simplistic: keep shooting, catch people off guard, realistically, and few re-shoots. it's certainly a very nice change from the standard Hollywood over-processed perfectionistic fare. however, there are chinks in the chain. clint's acting is solid as usual, however, i really think he's getting a bit of a self-imposed god complex. he seems to really see himself as a hard-ass figure; which is clear as he keeps choosing the same role for himself over and over. regardless of subtleties, Clint is playing the same guy he played in dirty harry, million dollar baby, unforgiven, and everything else, which is a harder-ass version of himself. i believe he really wants to be that person, and feels like he falls short of his ideal. he's an actor, but i don't think he sees himself that way. i think he really is trying to become the persona he displays (minus the racism)........which is to say: he's desperately trying to be a tough guy; solid, immovable, unable to be swayed by life's problems; i can certainly relate to this desire.

i just read his wiki page and i think i'm RIGHT on the money. forgive my arrogance, but damn i'm perceptive : )........ so what am i talking about? well, he was drafted to go to Korea, but he was in a plane crash, and had to remain behind. this explains so much. clint, the man, was never able to become a war hero, never able to become a combat soldier, never able to have his metal tested, and thus never able to really find out what he was made of, whether he would have fought or ran, if he would have been brave and courageous; I can guarantee you that these questions haunt the man. in this story he is playing the character of: himself, IF the plain hadn't crashed, and he had gone to korea and fought, lived, and came back home, scarred and angry. however, i don't feel it. Eastwood's character is very racist, but the racism becomes the comic-relief of the story, and is never really mean spirited, except for some initial blusterings. even if it was supposed to be, he shows his true colors relatively quickly as he accepts his neighbors. a true, dyed in the wool racist would not do that, he would not make friends with outsiders. clint's character doesn't feel right to me. he feels like CLINT EASTWOOD, the man, playing the version of his life where he went to battle and returned half a man. he feels rather like a stereotype to me. there are a few instances where i feel the horror of what his character witnessed seep through, but mostly the character feels too inwardly kind and too outwardly gruff to really feel like a true racist, hateful, irrevocably damaged person. it's subtle, but it's there. the character is GOOD at heart, and he still has a heart. and yes, before you jump on me, of course i realize that the point of the story is that clint's character was redeemed by helping the asians. i get it, of course. i'm dealing on things on a deeper level than that. that part doesn't feel to impossible; i can see someone becoming bitter after the horrors of war, but more-so, i would expect him to be HAUNTED, and this is a side of the character we never see. this part of it i believe is missing, and is a mistake. clint tells toad that the things that haunt you most are what you weren't ordered to do, but other than this brief lapse, we don't really have much of a window into the horror of living with blood on your hands, and the what-ifs of dead friends and killed enemies.

then there's the other issue, which is the casting. i have to say that i didn't feel like a single supporting cast member, perhaps with the exception of the barber, was any good. the kid was barely ok, the sister was very choppy, the gang members also felt choppy and sloppy, and not convincing. they turn from posers to killers way to fast. i think clint doesn't really understand the THICK line that separates the two. i've known many posers in my time. they look like these guys in the film. they don't kill or rape without discretion. they just talk talk talk, like these guys do at the beginning. they don't unload on a house, rape a girl, and then retreat to a known building, exposed. they're betting a hell of a fcking lot that the humung's (sp?) will "keep their mouths closed"......too much. it doesn't feel real. the way the black guy's acted when clint showed up, now THAT is true poser-behavior. in fact, that might be the most real acting in the film. the blustering bravado, the cowardliness of their actions when clint pulled a gun on them, and the subsequent response of "you too" to clint's "have a nice day" was absolutely perfect. saying "you too" is a coward's way of trying to regain face in the situation, by pretending that they are OK with what clint did. it's pathetic and perfect, they are making sure that clint knows that they are cool with him, which is really a way of saying "please don't hurt me, i won't ever do it again".....and i bet they won't. now, the asian gangbangers, after encountering clint on the lawn, and the fat one getting bashed and pulled-on, they would be scared shitless. they would not be attacking. they would be peeing themselves. if clint had meant them to be real gangsters, he should have done so from the beginning rather than make them act like wannabees. i know that what clint is trying to do here is make a point that gangsters are cowards at heart. this is somewhat true, but i think he just doesn't understand real gangs. real gangsters are generally not cowards. they may be weak-at heart and morally bankrupt, but they are generally cold killers. you cannot pull that point-your-hand-at-them-like-a-gun, bravado-bullshit with bloods or crypts and expect them to go running. they wouldn't run away from some guy just because he's an old soldier. gangsters are soldiers too. they are killers too. they are also often not without honor. they generally have a very highly developed sense of honor, and looking out for their own and their turf, and fck everyone and everything else. that sense of honor may be massively skewed and morally bankrupt, but it is very much there, make no mistake. there is a definitive difference between gangsters and wannabees. there is no subtlety in it. and the difference is simple: one type talks, the other murders. those lines generally don't cross. i understand the Asians are a small gang, and that does slightly excuse them of being posers and killers at the same time, but not completely. also, that the leader would defend toad, and then burn him with a cigarette, that also feels totally wrong. he's cousin to the leader, he's family, he's a civilian, generally that means he is protected, even though they might push him (hard) to enter the gang. but to treat him so disrespectfully, it just reeks of falsehood; more study on real gangs was needed here. i imagine it won't bother most folks, but growing up in socal, i understand these important differences. i also think clint's directing style (as well as the casting, which just feels rushed) contributes to this. go go go is his way to direct, and it shows. i think these people could have really benefited from some re-takes and some real DIRECTION. not everyone can just FEEL their character like you can clint, sometimes they need direction, and these supporting actors really could have used some. slurred words, unconvincing postures, it feels "real"........but too "real"........it goes past the REAL of portraying exactly what this situation would be like, and goes all the way into the actual REAL of actors playing the role. it is that real. it feels almost like a play.

eastwood is trying once again, and more directly than ever, to become the person he wants to convince himself that he is: a brave warrior, standing strong no matter what comes. i can relate. those of us who never fought in war will always wonder whether or not we really have true bravery in us; whether we would fight or run; we cannot possibly know, and that is difficult for a man to take. of course it is far better to not know, to be spared these horrors; but when a man measures himself by his courage (especially if his father taught him to do so), not knowing this about oneself can lead to intense confusion, and there is absolutely no way to really know than to do battle. clint came very close to knowing, very very close; he was just days away from finding out, but he was "robbed" of this knowledge. of course if he had gone, he might not be here to give us these films, which breathe a real sense of dignity and honesty into Hollywood, giving us something real, in a land of bullshit that is called realism. "realism" is the film style au-joir, you see it in everything; take a look at superhero films from 20 years ago, and those today, look at batman; you will see what i mean. eastwood actually delivers realism, practically like no one else, not just real-flavored substitute, which is what most are reaching for these days. i believe clint really embodies his character, but i also believe that what i'm watching is clint eastwood, playing clint eastwood, minus what vexes him the most: the uncertainty of not knowing what he is made of. i believe that it is this driving desire that influences so many of his characters in his films, perhaps every last one of them.

contact info

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peace

gotta live for something

something i've learned lately; lately being the last 5 years of torture beyond my wildest nightmares; but i've found some things. music, friendship and the love that goes with it, and soon quite possibly a motorcycle. i feel like a really fucked up with not learning to play an instrument earlier in life. i'm 26 and just learning the guitar, and absolutely loving it. don't be surprised if you come see me play sometime; but alas, starting so late in life means it will be sometime before i can play competently, but i really feel that it jives with my perfectly, whether or not i have the greatest natural ability, it just feels very right. i've avoided such pursuits in the past, out of the fear of failure, and the fear that if i do do it well, i will have proved that i should have done it earlier. yes, this is fucked up; yes, it is the worst way to live. but i overcome as i can, as my damaged brain allows me. but, it seems to me that perhaps i could not have played before, that my soul was not fully formed; the tragedy of my life (and i do say quite honestly that if i died today it would have been better not to have lived at all, and that is a truth, though a sad one; but i go on for the future and its possibilities), the tragedy and the loss has perhaps finally awakened my depth, and it has destroyed my fear in ways i wouldn't have imagined. i am full of poetry, and my poetry is that of wonder and horror, but mostly of love. it's funny, as a kid i followed other people's trends, trying to fit in, and i never succeded. this made my childhood fucking lousy. if i had either fit in, or better yet, realized when i was young that fitting in wasn't worth a fucking turd, i would have had a much better time of it. but instead, i was outcast, and the more i tried to be accepted, the more people exploited my neediness (read: Californian assholes are children too). it took far too long to get over that, and i still have to admit from time to time i'm worried by that same petty popularity bullshit that ruins children's souls in America. but it's over, i had the pleasure of some great friends who weren't complete assholes, who has souls and minds of their own, who weren't full of shit, who gave a shit. we were christians, and we were true believers. most of us has lost that faith, but i've found something very alarming: i've found that it didn't change who i am, not in the least. i felt that my faith defined me, and it was the faith that made me good, humble etc. i wasn't very humble then, and i'm not so now, and i gotta say, being arrogant is a lot easier and more fun, and it's pretty necessary to survival, or we'd never dream are wild dreams and reach high. but really, what i found is that my soul was the same, and this in fact was the linchpin in my loss of faith, that not believing in jesus didn't change my character whatsoever; in effect it proved the non-existance of what i had believed. anyway, i'm getting off track. this disease has ruined me. you cannot live like this and not be devestated. but i'm still alive. one thing is true: i have no more fear. not of anything. torture has cleaned it from me. i'd gladly take the fear back for the pain to have never happneed, but of course.........well you know. anyway, i'm rather free now, though i still have great concerns about my future. but i'm willing to try anything, and i know now that i'm unwilling to live like so many others, tied to their families and jobs, and much more so, tied to the idea of what they should be doing with their lives. they believe they should give up their passions. what a horrible thing, and the family suffers for it. one's children should never be one's life, but a wonderful part of life........i'm losing ground and really have little to say, so i'll end, all i want to say is: this is our life, this is it; we don't know what happens after, it is irrelevant to how we live now. we cannot know it is fairly certain. but now, now is all we have, and i beseech myself and you and us to not ever let ourselves be constrained by the laws and rules of a society that is corrupt and lost, we must be free, especially from the ideals of the mob that surrounds us; free.

californians are assholes

yes, you know it. you are one. or you know one. or you're becoming one, or wish you were one. or are trying to remember what it was like not to be one. i'm sure this thought will explode into a million tiny little pieces in time, but for now i just wish to make the statement. the attitude here, the golden rule, is to step on, fuck over, and destroy anyone you can in order to get more fame, more money, more power. my parents took a long time to realize this, and i think in all still don't fully understand the depth of the situation here. they have the burden of being real people; having souls; having a desire to better everyone around them as well as themselves. i grew up in socal, but i was never one of them. my parents are not one of them. my father tried to be for awhile, but he cannot escape the fact that he has a heart, instead of the second asshole most folks here have where their heart should be, and so he has accepted his status as a real person. it's really awful. it is. i lived in portland, OR for awhile, and i know that i'm not just imagining things. people there tended to have more humanity, more soul. there were assholes there of course; there are real folks here, of course, but what i want to say, what i feel people missunderstand (even if they recognize the inherent "fuck you"-ness of socal), is that this is THE pervasive vibe of the area. it affects everything. every town has a vibe, a current, and overarching feel; it's a stereotype, but only because it's true. denver has solidity, a lack of true energy but also of true insanity. in the middle of the country, content to be what it is, not a boom-town, not trying to get somewhere it isn't, denver is what it is, and what it is is the crossroads of east and west. some will tell you otherwise, but the real west begins at denver, the plains don't count. boulder has glorious hills, and it is impossible to not feel overwhelmed and changed by their beauty. indeed, this is why boulder is the most hippie town in the country today. it is impossible to live in the shadow of glory, and not be changed by it, not desire to save it, not realize that you are human, and they are human, and we are together folk. socal has mountains, but you can't see them, oceans but you will be ostracized from them if you are not sexy enough, and there is no where that isn't dominated by the theme: money, fame, power. everyone is in the business of star-dom. the hate, the ego, the huge cost of just living here, creates a sea of hateful, evil people. selfish, un-human, uncaring, alone and scathing. like a dog trapped in a corner, all those who have not "made it", feel like losers, in fact that is what they are trained to think, and they lash out at those around. they grab every bit of glory they have, and hoist it aloft for all to see, smashing them over the head with it when possible, to prove their worth. forever seeking a glory that does not exist except on a movie screen. it's too bad. it is really too damn bad. what a magnificent piece of real estate. mountains and oceans; sunshine and sandy beaches; art and possibilities; but we have fucked her; we have fucked her to death. we have raped her, we have raped our own souls as we have taken from her and shared none with our brothers. we have no brothers. no family, no community. i hate it. i have fought all my life to not become one of them, and i have succeeded, though their influence will never be gone. what a majestic place this is, and what a heap of trash it is. so many possibilities. so much hate, so much despair, so little heart. but i see LA as the great question mark in our country's future, and i feel that our fate will signal the fate of our country. we can restore, we can change, but we have to give a shit. or we can fade into obscurity, a footnote in history, a failed experiment. we ARE going to fade, it is happening. we will not dominate for long. but we can fade into piece and value, as britain has with the loss of their domination, or we can fade into destruction, as we are so close to accomplishing, so close to proving that we do not know how to care for ourselves as a group, we only know how to care for me. we have to learn now; we have to learn so we can diminish and have souls of our own, have lives of our own, with laughter, peace, pizza, and humanity. the hippie generation was right much more than they were wrong and they gave up and failed us. they've created this hate-soup for us. we must change, we must realize one very simple thing that we have so long forgotten: this is a horrible way to live, it is no good, it is no good for us. us, together, together, caring about us, helping us, becoming stronger, saving each others lives when needed, saving each others souls. everything you do changes the world. wake the fuck up.

the end of microsoft's domination

do you hear that? yup, the mighty giant is being slain. the great horned one that has ruled and fucked over the modern computing age. i'm not saying they never invented anything, of course they did, but what they did more than anything is STIFLE competition, stifle invention, stifle anything that didn't suit their needs; they're losing in the mobile department, vista is a wash; the xbox is good but not exactly a cash cow. windows of course is still the thing. it's still holding strong. but osx and linux are making headway. i don't know what it's going to take to put them over the top; i can't foresee it, but i'm wishing it with every fiber of my being. the reason is not that i hate Microsoft, the reason is that i truly believe they have caused irreparable harm to the computing world by their monopolization. we'll never know what creative possibilities would have come to pass if developers had had an open (or at least MORE open) operating system to work with. i really feel this strongly. think about it. open source is almost a necessary mandate when it comes to operating systems. almost like democracy is to government; one company should not control something as important as your computer. and they do control it, whether you realize it or not; they influence your thoughts, decisions, and most certainly, what things you can and cannot do. microsoft needs to fade, but it will take something beyond my reckoning for either linux or OSX to dominate them. but i am willing to settle for increased marketshare. linux has servers, mobiles, and netbooks. that's a hell of an increase from 10 years ago, and it is the markets that are most revolutionary. the standard personal PC is the last holdout of windblowze, and i think it needs to die. when you cannot buy a new computer that has windows xp, you cannot even install XP without serious tinkering because MS's death grip won't allow producers to post XP drivers, that is far TOO much power. i know most folks think of it as just the "way things are" but i would propose that that sort of thinking is quite possibly the most insidious and dangerous, not to mention foolish, on the planet. that is the way things stay the same, they way we re-elect bush, the way we allow our freedoms to be sucked away; because we simply acquiesce to "that's just the way things are". computing freedom is important, and still MS is running the same game they always have, doing everything they can to keep every developer on earth, whether it be hardware or software, to not produce linux drivers, apple software, or anything that isn't directly linked and CONTROLLED by redmond. it's an unacceptable state of affairs in our present age of information and individual-controlled computing. i have to admit that i use XP myself, though i honestly feel bad about it, because i'm not willing to yet loose the programs that i love that are tied to XP. and can't afford an apple : ) hopefully soon we all will have the courage to change. MS had some good things to contribute, but in the long run, they have been a blight on our landscape, and have stifled possibilities for creative advancement in ways that we may never know. it's time to change, long past time.