Monday, December 07, 2009



that's with a "y" not an "i"

btw: if annie's folks are still reading this: do me a favor and ask annie a question: ask her if she realizes yet that it was an unbelievably cruel thing to leave me (basically to die) while i was suffering horrible constant pain, brain damage, fevers, weakness, and the loss of everything that made life worth living for me.

remind her that she can never get re-married. that it would be a total farce considering that she was unwilling to stay through sickness and health.

you know i've had a hell of a long time to think about this; though 6 years so far of constant unthinkable pain and suffering; and mind you, i'm not exaggerating at the least, i'm under-playing it. i've thought about it a million times, but the truth is that it was cruel, evil, and wrong, and there is no excuse or forgiveness for it. her losing her faith or anything else is no excuse. i was so sick. she knew i was sick (and she can't claim that she didn't); we had a couple years of illness, with mri's, ct scans, eco-cardiograms, and she was with me when dr. harvey laid out what lyme disease really was and how he was convinced it had it. i thought our marriage was fine, not a single sine of problems. we were set up to get a new apartment on campus. we were talking about where to put the furniture, the home theater projector, etc. i was excited and more in love than ever. and you told me, casually, that you didn't want me to move in with you. that's how you put it, "i don't want you to move in with me; and we'll see how it goes".

annie puts on a front to the world of a perfect little angel. but i know different; how she would spit on me, lock me out, hit me and worst of all curse me and call me every possible horrible thing in order to get a rise out of me, and mostly just to hurt me. but none of that even compares to leaving me how she did. i loved her so much, i loved her more and more till the day she left. i have no delusions that our marriage was not great. i couldn't work, but god dammit i COULD NOT work; i was fucking sick; i've tried to work since then and it's been impossible. i tried moving back to colorado by myself to finish school; i tried moving to portland to finish school and work on my own. i god damned tried, and i continue to try harder the most anyone, incluing annie, will never understand. but she saw me suffer, and she walked away. we could have gotten divorced later; hell she could even have seen other people while she was with me. but i was dependent on her. her love most of all. can you even imagine what it's like to have the woman you love, the woman you LITERALLY (and this is not the slightest exaggeration) loved more each day; to have her abandone you in the blink of an eye, with no grief, no tears, just cold cruelty. hell, we could have moved back to california, been near her parents and friends which (god dammit) she complained about and wanted to do constantly while we were in boulder. our parents could have helped us. but no, she just leaves, just tries to write me off, forget about me, let me go, let me die. you can't do that annie. you can't write me off. i'm a person, i'm still her, and i loved you, i was your husband. i loved you, i never hurt you. i won't let you forget. i will not be forgotten

i've never stood up for myself like this. i tend to blame myself for everything, and that's why i never have said this before like this, nor said it to her at the time. i needed her. i needed her to save my life. i've had constant pain (and what i mean is simple: for the last 6 years i have not encountered a minute without pain: and that's the truth); my pain is somewhere between a 4 and a 10 out of ten. my average pain would probably be a 7. can you even imagine that? no, you can't, but you can try right? you can try to empathize? you've had pain, you can have some consideration of how unliveable that would be, right? i tried to kill myself so many times. suicide is actually the only thing to do in a situation like that, it's god damned rationale, and that's the truth. but i've held out. i've held out with more strength and courage than the world has ever seen. but i've suffered; i've suffered so god damned much. i've suffered so much. i'd rather have been tortured to death 100 times than go through this. that is the actual truth; the ACTUAL truth, imagine that.

this was woman of my dreams. my soul mate. i loved her desperately; it tore me up each day that i had to depend on her, that i couldn't work. but i damn well supported her with my love. she admitted it so many times. i helped her get over the MASSIVE amounts of negative emotions she had stored inside her. i helped her to grow, to live, to enjoy life. i taught her, helped her to grow, to mature, to think for herself, to be real, be her own person. and she took my love and my support and she used to walk out on me, and to use her new found atheism to rationalize that our marriage no longer was real since she was no longer a christian. but somehow she didn't understand that the marriage ceremony is not the point. the point is that we loved each other, we committed ourselves to each other, and that i loved her and needed her. she had so much hate stored up in her from trying to be a perfect christian; a lot of Christians think that their "attitude" of acting loving, kind, etc. is actually BEING loving etc. annie was one of these. she held all the evil in, and acted the part of the loving person. not to say that she wasn't loving. she damn well was. she had a lot of love. she was truly kind in a lot of ways, she did care. but if the love etc. wasn't actually there she faked it. and that veneer began to crack as i pushed her to break through it and be honest with herself

i don't know what to say except i hope you're reading this annie, and i hope that one day you actually realize what it is that you did, and you talk to me about it, and you have true sorrow and regret over it, that you realize it was a horrific catastrophic mistake; not just because it was "wrong", but because it was cruel. jesus or not, god or not, you abandoned me, left me for dead, fevering, and burning with pain in bed. i had to throw my stuff in my car at 3am and drive to california. i slept in my car up in the rockies at 8am or so, and it so happened that was when i was scheduled to have my call with my colorado lyme doc, dr.harvey. he called, woke me up, and i had to tell him i had to move back to cali to live with my parents becuase my wife had left me. you made me leave my excellent lyme doc, and go back to cali and see dr.gonzalez, a half-assed lyme doc. and with this disease, a great doc and a mediocre one is the difference between life and death. you may have very well prevented my getting well for years. harvey may have been able to put my on IV antibiotics, which he wanted to do, and may have been able to heal me years ago. he understood the disease, he could see it in me, he named lists of symptoms he thought i might have but i hadn't told him, he fucking understand, and he knew how to heal it as good as anyone, and there are only maybe 5 or 10 docs in the country who can do that, and that also is the actual truth.

it's impossible to tell you how much pain you caused me annie. the worst pain you've felt in your life doesn't hold a candle to one day of being me. and what was so horrible is that you showed absolutely no compassion. you had to make yourself believe that what you were doing was right, was ok, was justified; and so you abandoned me in a heartbeat, and have done your best these last years to convince yourself i don't still exist. how you can go through your day, how you can laugh, and play, and climb; how you could have taken my climbing rack in trade for paying some medical bills; how you can live and do all the things that i want to do; and you could do this and not be eaten up inside knowing that i'm here, lying in bed all day, every day, suffering unthinkable pain, not being able to do anything i love; how you could do all that and be able to forget that your husband is dying a slow horrific death. that's beyond me. that's why i write this. because i cannot understand how you could do that. how everyone arround you thinks your perfect, and kind, and good; you volunteer for alpine rescue missions, but you don't think about the person who was your best friend, your closest ally, your husband, your lover; who you loved so deeply, and i know you did. how you could just forget me, just leave me to suffer and die. it's beyond me to understand how your soul could be that empty. our marriage was not a trifle. i knew that i wanted to marry you. that never changed. we were young but i loved you to me very core, and that only grew every day, and that's the truth

one of these days you are going to have to accept this truth, and you will need to call me, or better yet, come see me (which you should do right now if you had any real compassion in you), or the guilt will eat you alive. maybe if you ever suffer some real severe pain, maybe if someone close to you gets this disease bad like i've had it. maybe. and when that happens, you'll want to kill yourself. and you wouldn't be wrong. but instead come see me and talk to me; the truth is that though i don't imagine there's any way that i could forgive this (i won't say never, but i don't see how), i am able to forget to an extent, and i will always love you; not fake love, not love that folds and runs; not love that did what you did, leaving me cold and not even helping or checking in on me, just trying to forget me. you can't forget me annie. i told you when you left that it was the worst mistake of your life, and if you don't realize it already you will, you will when you see what i'm capable of, and hopefully you will already as you realize that in spite of the fact that our marriage wasn't easy, and it wasn't at all the perfect image you had in your head of what it would be like, i loved you deeply and truly, and there's no substitute for that. and that's why to this day i still feel about you like i did. all the horror, all the pain, and suffering, and loss, doesn't negate the true love i will always have for you, the love you thew away so easily, so causally, so fast.

i haven't even been able to move on because i've been unable, too sick to even meet someone. too sick to meet someone for years. can you imagine? can you try? so on top of the horrific pain, the brain damage, the inability to think, or read, or hike, or surf; the fatigue, weakness, fever, cold sweats, and everything else, i have annie's memory ingrained in my aching head, my love for her unable to find another venue because of my illness. try to understand.

ps: and to annie's parents. i understand that you would always side with your daughter, and that from your point of view you didn't feel me suffering; but how you dropped me so easily when annie left me, how you never once looked in on me (and don't say you prayed for me because that's cowardly bullshit, and even if your god was real he wouldn't hear the prayers of hypocrites). i see in part where this falsehood comes from in annie. but you showed such consideration for me (i don't say compassion, because i begin to see how limited your "compassion" is), and then you just dropped me out your life, just like her daughter. even with all your Christianity and dead-set believe that marriage is forever, did you ever even push annie to think about what she was doing to me? you have no honor either, and certainly no courage