GO TO MY NEW BLOG MUTHA FUCKAS

it's uzybear.blogspot.com


that's with a "y" not an "i"



btw: if annie's folks are still reading this: do me a favor and ask annie a question: ask her if she realizes yet that it was an unbelievably cruel thing to leave me (basically to die) while i was suffering horrible constant pain, brain damage, fevers, weakness, and the loss of everything that made life worth living for me.

remind her that she can never get re-married. that it would be a total farce considering that she was unwilling to stay through sickness and health.

you know i've had a hell of a long time to think about this; though 6 years so far of constant unthinkable pain and suffering; and mind you, i'm not exaggerating at the least, i'm under-playing it. i've thought about it a million times, but the truth is that it was cruel, evil, and wrong, and there is no excuse or forgiveness for it. her losing her faith or anything else is no excuse. i was so sick. she knew i was sick (and she can't claim that she didn't); we had a couple years of illness, with mri's, ct scans, eco-cardiograms, and she was with me when dr. harvey laid out what lyme disease really was and how he was convinced it had it. i thought our marriage was fine, not a single sine of problems. we were set up to get a new apartment on campus. we were talking about where to put the furniture, the home theater projector, etc. i was excited and more in love than ever. and you told me, casually, that you didn't want me to move in with you. that's how you put it, "i don't want you to move in with me; and we'll see how it goes".

annie puts on a front to the world of a perfect little angel. but i know different; how she would spit on me, lock me out, hit me and worst of all curse me and call me every possible horrible thing in order to get a rise out of me, and mostly just to hurt me. but none of that even compares to leaving me how she did. i loved her so much, i loved her more and more till the day she left. i have no delusions that our marriage was not great. i couldn't work, but god dammit i COULD NOT work; i was fucking sick; i've tried to work since then and it's been impossible. i tried moving back to colorado by myself to finish school; i tried moving to portland to finish school and work on my own. i god damned tried, and i continue to try harder the most anyone, incluing annie, will never understand. but she saw me suffer, and she walked away. we could have gotten divorced later; hell she could even have seen other people while she was with me. but i was dependent on her. her love most of all. can you even imagine what it's like to have the woman you love, the woman you LITERALLY (and this is not the slightest exaggeration) loved more each day; to have her abandone you in the blink of an eye, with no grief, no tears, just cold cruelty. hell, we could have moved back to california, been near her parents and friends which (god dammit) she complained about and wanted to do constantly while we were in boulder. our parents could have helped us. but no, she just leaves, just tries to write me off, forget about me, let me go, let me die. you can't do that annie. you can't write me off. i'm a person, i'm still her, and i loved you, i was your husband. i loved you, i never hurt you. i won't let you forget. i will not be forgotten

i've never stood up for myself like this. i tend to blame myself for everything, and that's why i never have said this before like this, nor said it to her at the time. i needed her. i needed her to save my life. i've had constant pain (and what i mean is simple: for the last 6 years i have not encountered a minute without pain: and that's the truth); my pain is somewhere between a 4 and a 10 out of ten. my average pain would probably be a 7. can you even imagine that? no, you can't, but you can try right? you can try to empathize? you've had pain, you can have some consideration of how unliveable that would be, right? i tried to kill myself so many times. suicide is actually the only thing to do in a situation like that, it's god damned rationale, and that's the truth. but i've held out. i've held out with more strength and courage than the world has ever seen. but i've suffered; i've suffered so god damned much. i've suffered so much. i'd rather have been tortured to death 100 times than go through this. that is the actual truth; the ACTUAL truth, imagine that.

this was woman of my dreams. my soul mate. i loved her desperately; it tore me up each day that i had to depend on her, that i couldn't work. but i damn well supported her with my love. she admitted it so many times. i helped her get over the MASSIVE amounts of negative emotions she had stored inside her. i helped her to grow, to live, to enjoy life. i taught her, helped her to grow, to mature, to think for herself, to be real, be her own person. and she took my love and my support and she used to walk out on me, and to use her new found atheism to rationalize that our marriage no longer was real since she was no longer a christian. but somehow she didn't understand that the marriage ceremony is not the point. the point is that we loved each other, we committed ourselves to each other, and that i loved her and needed her. she had so much hate stored up in her from trying to be a perfect christian; a lot of Christians think that their "attitude" of acting loving, kind, etc. is actually BEING loving etc. annie was one of these. she held all the evil in, and acted the part of the loving person. not to say that she wasn't loving. she damn well was. she had a lot of love. she was truly kind in a lot of ways, she did care. but if the love etc. wasn't actually there she faked it. and that veneer began to crack as i pushed her to break through it and be honest with herself

i don't know what to say except i hope you're reading this annie, and i hope that one day you actually realize what it is that you did, and you talk to me about it, and you have true sorrow and regret over it, that you realize it was a horrific catastrophic mistake; not just because it was "wrong", but because it was cruel. jesus or not, god or not, you abandoned me, left me for dead, fevering, and burning with pain in bed. i had to throw my stuff in my car at 3am and drive to california. i slept in my car up in the rockies at 8am or so, and it so happened that was when i was scheduled to have my call with my colorado lyme doc, dr.harvey. he called, woke me up, and i had to tell him i had to move back to cali to live with my parents becuase my wife had left me. you made me leave my excellent lyme doc, and go back to cali and see dr.gonzalez, a half-assed lyme doc. and with this disease, a great doc and a mediocre one is the difference between life and death. you may have very well prevented my getting well for years. harvey may have been able to put my on IV antibiotics, which he wanted to do, and may have been able to heal me years ago. he understood the disease, he could see it in me, he named lists of symptoms he thought i might have but i hadn't told him, he fucking understand, and he knew how to heal it as good as anyone, and there are only maybe 5 or 10 docs in the country who can do that, and that also is the actual truth.

it's impossible to tell you how much pain you caused me annie. the worst pain you've felt in your life doesn't hold a candle to one day of being me. and what was so horrible is that you showed absolutely no compassion. you had to make yourself believe that what you were doing was right, was ok, was justified; and so you abandoned me in a heartbeat, and have done your best these last years to convince yourself i don't still exist. how you can go through your day, how you can laugh, and play, and climb; how you could have taken my climbing rack in trade for paying some medical bills; how you can live and do all the things that i want to do; and you could do this and not be eaten up inside knowing that i'm here, lying in bed all day, every day, suffering unthinkable pain, not being able to do anything i love; how you could do all that and be able to forget that your husband is dying a slow horrific death. that's beyond me. that's why i write this. because i cannot understand how you could do that. how everyone arround you thinks your perfect, and kind, and good; you volunteer for alpine rescue missions, but you don't think about the person who was your best friend, your closest ally, your husband, your lover; who you loved so deeply, and i know you did. how you could just forget me, just leave me to suffer and die. it's beyond me to understand how your soul could be that empty. our marriage was not a trifle. i knew that i wanted to marry you. that never changed. we were young but i loved you to me very core, and that only grew every day, and that's the truth


one of these days you are going to have to accept this truth, and you will need to call me, or better yet, come see me (which you should do right now if you had any real compassion in you), or the guilt will eat you alive. maybe if you ever suffer some real severe pain, maybe if someone close to you gets this disease bad like i've had it. maybe. and when that happens, you'll want to kill yourself. and you wouldn't be wrong. but instead come see me and talk to me; the truth is that though i don't imagine there's any way that i could forgive this (i won't say never, but i don't see how), i am able to forget to an extent, and i will always love you; not fake love, not love that folds and runs; not love that did what you did, leaving me cold and not even helping or checking in on me, just trying to forget me. you can't forget me annie. i told you when you left that it was the worst mistake of your life, and if you don't realize it already you will, you will when you see what i'm capable of, and hopefully you will already as you realize that in spite of the fact that our marriage wasn't easy, and it wasn't at all the perfect image you had in your head of what it would be like, i loved you deeply and truly, and there's no substitute for that. and that's why to this day i still feel about you like i did. all the horror, all the pain, and suffering, and loss, doesn't negate the true love i will always have for you, the love you thew away so easily, so causally, so fast.

i haven't even been able to move on because i've been unable, too sick to even meet someone. too sick to meet someone for years. can you imagine? can you try? so on top of the horrific pain, the brain damage, the inability to think, or read, or hike, or surf; the fatigue, weakness, fever, cold sweats, and everything else, i have annie's memory ingrained in my aching head, my love for her unable to find another venue because of my illness. try to understand.

ps: and to annie's parents. i understand that you would always side with your daughter, and that from your point of view you didn't feel me suffering; but how you dropped me so easily when annie left me, how you never once looked in on me (and don't say you prayed for me because that's cowardly bullshit, and even if your god was real he wouldn't hear the prayers of hypocrites). i see in part where this falsehood comes from in annie. but you showed such consideration for me (i don't say compassion, because i begin to see how limited your "compassion" is), and then you just dropped me out your life, just like her daughter. even with all your Christianity and dead-set believe that marriage is forever, did you ever even push annie to think about what she was doing to me? you have no honor either, and certainly no courage

rain of terror

a little rainfall tonight grabbed me out of my opiate-delusion and i wrote this. folks, times are hard












it's raining
god is giving us little kisses
angry little hate filled drops of eternal death

they drop like swords
like hail of marbles, filled with delicious floods,
storms, hurricanes, tsunami, more floods, mud slides, did i say death? yes, well, more death

the rain is more beautiful than anything
like sunsets with a purpose
if only that purpose was benign
if only god did not give us hate with love
if only he actually existed, and if he did, deadly rain would not, could not.

i smell the rain
it smells like green fields in heaven
it can see the ticks lapping it up
it nourishing them, and the deadly bacteria that swims inside them

i see the rain running down a girl's head as she cold sweats every night and day for her life, and people accuse, but do not ask, do not care, do not help
i see the rain running down her cheek as tears are never absent

i used to think: god gives us blessings. it is never cold and wet; if it is cold, it snows; if it is warm, it rains. i used to think he left these little blessing all over the place, little reminders of his love; but the other way is also true, pain with love, hate with beauty; almost like nature

suburban religion
down comforter religion
fireplace and hot cocoa religion
or starvation in Africa religion, while those who represent god feed you and tell you to believe; that heaven is not a place on earth, god is not you, you must take time out from being murdered and starving in order to put your head to the dirt and thank a fellow that was murdered two thousand years ago for no good reason

but ice floats
the seas do not boil
sunrise and sunset are red
we have snow and rain, clouds and ozone
we have wonder in abundance beyond reckoning
we do not need god

the only thing more natural than hating god, is loving tits

the rain is not benevolent, nor mal
god is non
nor is he here
nor is he he
nor is

here are we
we are
we have our lives and abilities, our loves
we are god and the rain touches us with wetness, and that is all

but in it we see the crops
we feel the cool wind
we breathe the damp air
we love it
our bodies love it as the earth loves it, and we are the earth, we are, and that is no shame

our world was never eden, but it could be
we are able, we have come so far, only our religion restrains us, only our fear contains us

in windy circles the rain falls
plays with the dirt and falls again
we ask questions of it
but we get only more
and we do not see the beauty in our rain-filled eyes

a close-reading of clint eastwood's film "grand turino"

i wrote this on imdb and i felt it was worthy enough to be posted here. i'd be glad to know what you think, not just of my points, but of my writing abilities.......excluding my father, i know what you and your psychic think (and by god, out of heaven, you might be right). i feel i have some talent for it, and i'd like to know if you agree, i might just make a career out of my finger-taps


i liked the film, i did. but there are problems. Clint's style of directing is comfortingly simplistic: keep shooting, catch people off guard, realistically, and few re-shoots. it's certainly a very nice change from the standard Hollywood over-processed perfectionistic fare. however, there are chinks in the chain. clint's acting is solid as usual, however, i really think he's getting a bit of a self-imposed god complex. he seems to really see himself as a hard-ass figure; which is clear as he keeps choosing the same role for himself over and over. regardless of subtleties, Clint is playing the same guy he played in dirty harry, million dollar baby, unforgiven, and everything else, which is a harder-ass version of himself. i believe he really wants to be that person, and feels like he falls short of his ideal. he's an actor, but i don't think he sees himself that way. i think he really is trying to become the persona he displays (minus the racism)........which is to say: he's desperately trying to be a tough guy; solid, immovable, unable to be swayed by life's problems; i can certainly relate to this desire.

i just read his wiki page and i think i'm RIGHT on the money. forgive my arrogance, but damn i'm perceptive : )........ so what am i talking about? well, he was drafted to go to Korea, but he was in a plane crash, and had to remain behind. this explains so much. clint, the man, was never able to become a war hero, never able to become a combat soldier, never able to have his metal tested, and thus never able to really find out what he was made of, whether he would have fought or ran, if he would have been brave and courageous; I can guarantee you that these questions haunt the man. in this story he is playing the character of: himself, IF the plain hadn't crashed, and he had gone to korea and fought, lived, and came back home, scarred and angry. however, i don't feel it. Eastwood's character is very racist, but the racism becomes the comic-relief of the story, and is never really mean spirited, except for some initial blusterings. even if it was supposed to be, he shows his true colors relatively quickly as he accepts his neighbors. a true, dyed in the wool racist would not do that, he would not make friends with outsiders. clint's character doesn't feel right to me. he feels like CLINT EASTWOOD, the man, playing the version of his life where he went to battle and returned half a man. he feels rather like a stereotype to me. there are a few instances where i feel the horror of what his character witnessed seep through, but mostly the character feels too inwardly kind and too outwardly gruff to really feel like a true racist, hateful, irrevocably damaged person. it's subtle, but it's there. the character is GOOD at heart, and he still has a heart. and yes, before you jump on me, of course i realize that the point of the story is that clint's character was redeemed by helping the asians. i get it, of course. i'm dealing on things on a deeper level than that. that part doesn't feel to impossible; i can see someone becoming bitter after the horrors of war, but more-so, i would expect him to be HAUNTED, and this is a side of the character we never see. this part of it i believe is missing, and is a mistake. clint tells toad that the things that haunt you most are what you weren't ordered to do, but other than this brief lapse, we don't really have much of a window into the horror of living with blood on your hands, and the what-ifs of dead friends and killed enemies.

then there's the other issue, which is the casting. i have to say that i didn't feel like a single supporting cast member, perhaps with the exception of the barber, was any good. the kid was barely ok, the sister was very choppy, the gang members also felt choppy and sloppy, and not convincing. they turn from posers to killers way to fast. i think clint doesn't really understand the THICK line that separates the two. i've known many posers in my time. they look like these guys in the film. they don't kill or rape without discretion. they just talk talk talk, like these guys do at the beginning. they don't unload on a house, rape a girl, and then retreat to a known building, exposed. they're betting a hell of a fcking lot that the humung's (sp?) will "keep their mouths closed"......too much. it doesn't feel real. the way the black guy's acted when clint showed up, now THAT is true poser-behavior. in fact, that might be the most real acting in the film. the blustering bravado, the cowardliness of their actions when clint pulled a gun on them, and the subsequent response of "you too" to clint's "have a nice day" was absolutely perfect. saying "you too" is a coward's way of trying to regain face in the situation, by pretending that they are OK with what clint did. it's pathetic and perfect, they are making sure that clint knows that they are cool with him, which is really a way of saying "please don't hurt me, i won't ever do it again".....and i bet they won't. now, the asian gangbangers, after encountering clint on the lawn, and the fat one getting bashed and pulled-on, they would be scared shitless. they would not be attacking. they would be peeing themselves. if clint had meant them to be real gangsters, he should have done so from the beginning rather than make them act like wannabees. i know that what clint is trying to do here is make a point that gangsters are cowards at heart. this is somewhat true, but i think he just doesn't understand real gangs. real gangsters are generally not cowards. they may be weak-at heart and morally bankrupt, but they are generally cold killers. you cannot pull that point-your-hand-at-them-like-a-gun, bravado-bullshit with bloods or crypts and expect them to go running. they wouldn't run away from some guy just because he's an old soldier. gangsters are soldiers too. they are killers too. they are also often not without honor. they generally have a very highly developed sense of honor, and looking out for their own and their turf, and fck everyone and everything else. that sense of honor may be massively skewed and morally bankrupt, but it is very much there, make no mistake. there is a definitive difference between gangsters and wannabees. there is no subtlety in it. and the difference is simple: one type talks, the other murders. those lines generally don't cross. i understand the Asians are a small gang, and that does slightly excuse them of being posers and killers at the same time, but not completely. also, that the leader would defend toad, and then burn him with a cigarette, that also feels totally wrong. he's cousin to the leader, he's family, he's a civilian, generally that means he is protected, even though they might push him (hard) to enter the gang. but to treat him so disrespectfully, it just reeks of falsehood; more study on real gangs was needed here. i imagine it won't bother most folks, but growing up in socal, i understand these important differences. i also think clint's directing style (as well as the casting, which just feels rushed) contributes to this. go go go is his way to direct, and it shows. i think these people could have really benefited from some re-takes and some real DIRECTION. not everyone can just FEEL their character like you can clint, sometimes they need direction, and these supporting actors really could have used some. slurred words, unconvincing postures, it feels "real"........but too "real"........it goes past the REAL of portraying exactly what this situation would be like, and goes all the way into the actual REAL of actors playing the role. it is that real. it feels almost like a play.

eastwood is trying once again, and more directly than ever, to become the person he wants to convince himself that he is: a brave warrior, standing strong no matter what comes. i can relate. those of us who never fought in war will always wonder whether or not we really have true bravery in us; whether we would fight or run; we cannot possibly know, and that is difficult for a man to take. of course it is far better to not know, to be spared these horrors; but when a man measures himself by his courage (especially if his father taught him to do so), not knowing this about oneself can lead to intense confusion, and there is absolutely no way to really know than to do battle. clint came very close to knowing, very very close; he was just days away from finding out, but he was "robbed" of this knowledge. of course if he had gone, he might not be here to give us these films, which breathe a real sense of dignity and honesty into Hollywood, giving us something real, in a land of bullshit that is called realism. "realism" is the film style au-joir, you see it in everything; take a look at superhero films from 20 years ago, and those today, look at batman; you will see what i mean. eastwood actually delivers realism, practically like no one else, not just real-flavored substitute, which is what most are reaching for these days. i believe clint really embodies his character, but i also believe that what i'm watching is clint eastwood, playing clint eastwood, minus what vexes him the most: the uncertainty of not knowing what he is made of. i believe that it is this driving desire that influences so many of his characters in his films, perhaps every last one of them.

contact info

for all my fans, here's my contact stuff


the only real EMAIL i check bryanbowerATgmail.com

msn messanger: uzibear@hotmail.com
AIM: forwonderbear
xbox360 live: uziabear



peace

gotta live for something

something i've learned lately; lately being the last 5 years of torture beyond my wildest nightmares; but i've found some things. music, friendship and the love that goes with it, and soon quite possibly a motorcycle. i feel like a really fucked up with not learning to play an instrument earlier in life. i'm 26 and just learning the guitar, and absolutely loving it. don't be surprised if you come see me play sometime; but alas, starting so late in life means it will be sometime before i can play competently, but i really feel that it jives with my perfectly, whether or not i have the greatest natural ability, it just feels very right. i've avoided such pursuits in the past, out of the fear of failure, and the fear that if i do do it well, i will have proved that i should have done it earlier. yes, this is fucked up; yes, it is the worst way to live. but i overcome as i can, as my damaged brain allows me. but, it seems to me that perhaps i could not have played before, that my soul was not fully formed; the tragedy of my life (and i do say quite honestly that if i died today it would have been better not to have lived at all, and that is a truth, though a sad one; but i go on for the future and its possibilities), the tragedy and the loss has perhaps finally awakened my depth, and it has destroyed my fear in ways i wouldn't have imagined. i am full of poetry, and my poetry is that of wonder and horror, but mostly of love. it's funny, as a kid i followed other people's trends, trying to fit in, and i never succeded. this made my childhood fucking lousy. if i had either fit in, or better yet, realized when i was young that fitting in wasn't worth a fucking turd, i would have had a much better time of it. but instead, i was outcast, and the more i tried to be accepted, the more people exploited my neediness (read: Californian assholes are children too). it took far too long to get over that, and i still have to admit from time to time i'm worried by that same petty popularity bullshit that ruins children's souls in America. but it's over, i had the pleasure of some great friends who weren't complete assholes, who has souls and minds of their own, who weren't full of shit, who gave a shit. we were christians, and we were true believers. most of us has lost that faith, but i've found something very alarming: i've found that it didn't change who i am, not in the least. i felt that my faith defined me, and it was the faith that made me good, humble etc. i wasn't very humble then, and i'm not so now, and i gotta say, being arrogant is a lot easier and more fun, and it's pretty necessary to survival, or we'd never dream are wild dreams and reach high. but really, what i found is that my soul was the same, and this in fact was the linchpin in my loss of faith, that not believing in jesus didn't change my character whatsoever; in effect it proved the non-existance of what i had believed. anyway, i'm getting off track. this disease has ruined me. you cannot live like this and not be devestated. but i'm still alive. one thing is true: i have no more fear. not of anything. torture has cleaned it from me. i'd gladly take the fear back for the pain to have never happneed, but of course.........well you know. anyway, i'm rather free now, though i still have great concerns about my future. but i'm willing to try anything, and i know now that i'm unwilling to live like so many others, tied to their families and jobs, and much more so, tied to the idea of what they should be doing with their lives. they believe they should give up their passions. what a horrible thing, and the family suffers for it. one's children should never be one's life, but a wonderful part of life........i'm losing ground and really have little to say, so i'll end, all i want to say is: this is our life, this is it; we don't know what happens after, it is irrelevant to how we live now. we cannot know it is fairly certain. but now, now is all we have, and i beseech myself and you and us to not ever let ourselves be constrained by the laws and rules of a society that is corrupt and lost, we must be free, especially from the ideals of the mob that surrounds us; free.

californians are assholes

yes, you know it. you are one. or you know one. or you're becoming one, or wish you were one. or are trying to remember what it was like not to be one. i'm sure this thought will explode into a million tiny little pieces in time, but for now i just wish to make the statement. the attitude here, the golden rule, is to step on, fuck over, and destroy anyone you can in order to get more fame, more money, more power. my parents took a long time to realize this, and i think in all still don't fully understand the depth of the situation here. they have the burden of being real people; having souls; having a desire to better everyone around them as well as themselves. i grew up in socal, but i was never one of them. my parents are not one of them. my father tried to be for awhile, but he cannot escape the fact that he has a heart, instead of the second asshole most folks here have where their heart should be, and so he has accepted his status as a real person. it's really awful. it is. i lived in portland, OR for awhile, and i know that i'm not just imagining things. people there tended to have more humanity, more soul. there were assholes there of course; there are real folks here, of course, but what i want to say, what i feel people missunderstand (even if they recognize the inherent "fuck you"-ness of socal), is that this is THE pervasive vibe of the area. it affects everything. every town has a vibe, a current, and overarching feel; it's a stereotype, but only because it's true. denver has solidity, a lack of true energy but also of true insanity. in the middle of the country, content to be what it is, not a boom-town, not trying to get somewhere it isn't, denver is what it is, and what it is is the crossroads of east and west. some will tell you otherwise, but the real west begins at denver, the plains don't count. boulder has glorious hills, and it is impossible to not feel overwhelmed and changed by their beauty. indeed, this is why boulder is the most hippie town in the country today. it is impossible to live in the shadow of glory, and not be changed by it, not desire to save it, not realize that you are human, and they are human, and we are together folk. socal has mountains, but you can't see them, oceans but you will be ostracized from them if you are not sexy enough, and there is no where that isn't dominated by the theme: money, fame, power. everyone is in the business of star-dom. the hate, the ego, the huge cost of just living here, creates a sea of hateful, evil people. selfish, un-human, uncaring, alone and scathing. like a dog trapped in a corner, all those who have not "made it", feel like losers, in fact that is what they are trained to think, and they lash out at those around. they grab every bit of glory they have, and hoist it aloft for all to see, smashing them over the head with it when possible, to prove their worth. forever seeking a glory that does not exist except on a movie screen. it's too bad. it is really too damn bad. what a magnificent piece of real estate. mountains and oceans; sunshine and sandy beaches; art and possibilities; but we have fucked her; we have fucked her to death. we have raped her, we have raped our own souls as we have taken from her and shared none with our brothers. we have no brothers. no family, no community. i hate it. i have fought all my life to not become one of them, and i have succeeded, though their influence will never be gone. what a majestic place this is, and what a heap of trash it is. so many possibilities. so much hate, so much despair, so little heart. but i see LA as the great question mark in our country's future, and i feel that our fate will signal the fate of our country. we can restore, we can change, but we have to give a shit. or we can fade into obscurity, a footnote in history, a failed experiment. we ARE going to fade, it is happening. we will not dominate for long. but we can fade into piece and value, as britain has with the loss of their domination, or we can fade into destruction, as we are so close to accomplishing, so close to proving that we do not know how to care for ourselves as a group, we only know how to care for me. we have to learn now; we have to learn so we can diminish and have souls of our own, have lives of our own, with laughter, peace, pizza, and humanity. the hippie generation was right much more than they were wrong and they gave up and failed us. they've created this hate-soup for us. we must change, we must realize one very simple thing that we have so long forgotten: this is a horrible way to live, it is no good, it is no good for us. us, together, together, caring about us, helping us, becoming stronger, saving each others lives when needed, saving each others souls. everything you do changes the world. wake the fuck up.

the end of microsoft's domination

do you hear that? yup, the mighty giant is being slain. the great horned one that has ruled and fucked over the modern computing age. i'm not saying they never invented anything, of course they did, but what they did more than anything is STIFLE competition, stifle invention, stifle anything that didn't suit their needs; they're losing in the mobile department, vista is a wash; the xbox is good but not exactly a cash cow. windows of course is still the thing. it's still holding strong. but osx and linux are making headway. i don't know what it's going to take to put them over the top; i can't foresee it, but i'm wishing it with every fiber of my being. the reason is not that i hate Microsoft, the reason is that i truly believe they have caused irreparable harm to the computing world by their monopolization. we'll never know what creative possibilities would have come to pass if developers had had an open (or at least MORE open) operating system to work with. i really feel this strongly. think about it. open source is almost a necessary mandate when it comes to operating systems. almost like democracy is to government; one company should not control something as important as your computer. and they do control it, whether you realize it or not; they influence your thoughts, decisions, and most certainly, what things you can and cannot do. microsoft needs to fade, but it will take something beyond my reckoning for either linux or OSX to dominate them. but i am willing to settle for increased marketshare. linux has servers, mobiles, and netbooks. that's a hell of an increase from 10 years ago, and it is the markets that are most revolutionary. the standard personal PC is the last holdout of windblowze, and i think it needs to die. when you cannot buy a new computer that has windows xp, you cannot even install XP without serious tinkering because MS's death grip won't allow producers to post XP drivers, that is far TOO much power. i know most folks think of it as just the "way things are" but i would propose that that sort of thinking is quite possibly the most insidious and dangerous, not to mention foolish, on the planet. that is the way things stay the same, they way we re-elect bush, the way we allow our freedoms to be sucked away; because we simply acquiesce to "that's just the way things are". computing freedom is important, and still MS is running the same game they always have, doing everything they can to keep every developer on earth, whether it be hardware or software, to not produce linux drivers, apple software, or anything that isn't directly linked and CONTROLLED by redmond. it's an unacceptable state of affairs in our present age of information and individual-controlled computing. i have to admit that i use XP myself, though i honestly feel bad about it, because i'm not willing to yet loose the programs that i love that are tied to XP. and can't afford an apple : ) hopefully soon we all will have the courage to change. MS had some good things to contribute, but in the long run, they have been a blight on our landscape, and have stifled possibilities for creative advancement in ways that we may never know. it's time to change, long past time.

back to reality, whoops, there goes gravity

i doubt anyone will read this anytime soon, i haven't posted in forever, but i do want to maintain a blog, so here i am, back at it, with my distrust of capital letters firmly implanted. so, there's little to tell. i am still sick, though, i hope, it seems i'm making progress. life is hard. searing, burning, aching pain, all over, all the time, with no respite, is hard. dealing with mistrust from those that don't understand my illness is hard. but i feel i've turned a bit of a corner in not really desiring to feel sorry for myself anymore. it's not really good for much, even if things are awful. here's one thing i've realized: my disease is the direct cause of much of my psychological problems; fear, anxiety, depression. my brain is damaged, or at least hindered in its operation. i know this because at times when i am better physcial, i am also often better mentally and psychologically. the fear which i am always trying to find an answer to "why do i feel this way"..........in actuality the answer is: because my brain is damaged.

something to think on: i believe that we very often blame people for psychological problems that in actuality are physical abnormalities, chemical or what-have you; remember, the very makeup of our psyche, our emotions, our personality, is our brain. unless of course you believe in some sort of incorporeal soul, which is hard for me to fathom these days. though more and more i like the idea of "the force" : ) .........something that binds us together, something greater than just matter and atoms, but perhaps i dream